Loving Boundaries

10 years ago, when I reached out to a coach for my relationship, I found out that I had difficulties with boundaries.

I couldn’t say “no” to people when they were late for a meet-up, or raising their voice at me or other unpleasant things which sometimes people do (even when they like or love each other).

Realising that this was making it hard for people around me to respect me – and that without respect, love cannot be - I set the intention to start setting boundaries.

But it didn’t take me long to realise… It’s damn hard!

The effect of my “no” on the other was troubling me

I was painfully aware of how setting a boundary could easily hurt the other and jeopardise our relationship.

I did it anyway, at my coach’s suggestion, and I’m grateful for that - it gave me some confidence I can do it.

But I’ve also intentionally kept looking for tools to help me say ‘no’ in a way which keeps the door of the connection wide open instead of shutting it down. I was lucky to come across quite some helpful ones and today I mostly say “no” using what I call “loving boundaries”.

They keep the connection flowing and actually deepen the intimacy (whether it is with a friend or with my partner).

But also they help me when I am afraid to say “no” to someone – because I know it minimises the chances that they get upset or even aggressive with me.

And they helps me when I am really pissed with someone – because I know it minimises the chances for me to get aggressive with them (‘cause this is a two-way road, isn’t it? :)).

What separates us when setting boundaries

I’ve discovered over the years that, when we decide to say ‘no’ to someone, it is good to consider two things which can create separation:

1) We might be angry at them

Anger is quite a normal reaction when we are invaded or disrespected, but saying ‘no’ from that place is not a good idea. It will most certainly make the other feel wronged, criticised or punished.

We do much better when we manage to dilute that anger and come across as firm and clear, but not charged.

2) Even if we are not angry, they might perceive our ‘no’ as criticism

So many of us grew up in environments where blame or shame was a common way to communicate that, even if we don’t have bad intentions, the other might read our ‘no’ as criticism.

We can minimise that risk by finding ways to communicate our ‘no’ so that it leaves little room for misinterpretation.

Therefore this webinar is about 7 questions which,

when reflected upon, helps one:

* Dilute the anger or the charge we might bring in the interaction;

* Get deeper understanding in the situation – ours and the other’s;

* Create ways to communicate our boundary with as little risk as possible for misinterpretation.

We don’t need to strive to be nice (that’s actually a losing strategy, as it usually weakens our “no”).

As we move through the questions, we naturally arrive to “loving boundaries” - becoming open and loving, while staying firm and clear at the same time.

I will share examples, to help you feel the potential of the questions and invite you to work on your own life situation, in your own space.

There will be room for you to share about your process, ask questions or get my support, but there is no expectation from my side for you to do it.

Possible outcomes

My hope for this webinar is that it will give you a very practical solution to a situation in your life right now (a boundary you’ve been meaning to bring up with your partner, or a friend, or a parent).

Long term: if you resonate with this exercise and you keep using it in situations which require boundaries, it will help you bring more harmony, lightness and love in your relationships.

Who is it for

I recommend this webinar if:

- you know you are not always saying ‘no’ when you’d want to.

- you took distance from your partner or friend for fear of being invaded or disrespected but you are missing the connection.

- people complain you are too aggressive but you feel you are just protecting your space, your time or your wellbeing.

- there are people in your life you feel afraid to say ‘no’ to.

- you would simply like to learn about relationships and boundaries.

What this webinar is not

It is not about ways to get the other do the way we want. It is not about manipulating anyone into anything.

This is about finding a genuine inner space of connection, love, understanding, compassion from which boundaries can just flow lovingly.

Organisation details

Day: 7th Dec

Time: 19.00 CET//20.00 Romanian time

Zoom link: it will be sent upon sign up, together with any necessary preparation details.

If a webinar is not for you

If the topic interests you, I’d love for you to come. But if you prefer working more privately, we can do that in 1:1 sessions. To check if this option feels good to you, let’s connect over an introductory free session.

If you are not sure what boundaries are

… here are a couple of articles which might help you get clear: Boundaries in Dating, Boundaries in A Relationship. You’re welcome to check them out.