Boundaries in A Relationship - what they are and why they matter

I count boundaries as one of the three keys to wonderful relationships ( along with knowing how to deal with our inner critic and growing our capacity for aloneness - I know, what a paradox…).

When we have boundaries, love flows more easily, there is respect and there is attraction.

When we don’t have them or we are a bit messy about them, conflict, neglect, sexlessness, boredom often arise.

Nowadays we often hear “you need to have boundaries” and we pretty much get it, yet it is not always easy to picture how much they can affect the wellbeing of our relationship.

So I decided to share with you a few examples of couples I know from my work or life. They are all struggling with boundaries and this is how it comes through in their relationship.

Angela and Nicholas

Nicholas has gained some weight since they are together. Angela expressed her concerns about this to him and she decided he should eat healthier. She started cooking differently – less fat, more fresh vegetables – and this took extra effort on her side.

Nicholas hasn’t said anything and he’s complied to the new diet. However when out for work (every day), he would secretly go for hamburgers and french fries, pizza and pasta.

Angela found out about it and she was outraged. She confronted him and told him she felt betrayed, used, disrespected. Even though they made up, her resentfulness for what happened keeps coming through in sarcastic comments, destroying their intimacy bit by bit.

Nicholas feels wronged. He feels hurt by her criticising his weight and intruding into his diet. He didn’t like to lie to Angela but he felt justified in hiding from her. However, he cannot truly see that her intervention was an invasion and he could have said a firm “no” from the beginning. Even after all that happened he cannot say it, and that invites Angela to continue to disrespect him.

Marianne and Victor

They are pretty different from each other. He is outgoing, likes to socialise, can easily strike a conversation. She is rather shy and needs quite some time to feel comfortable with new people.

Victor would like her to be more open (like him) and many times makes fun of her shyness, sometimes even in front of their friends. She can’t stand it and feels really hurt by this, so she withdraws and refuses to speak to him for days, in obvious discontent.

She is right to take action – he does crosses her boundaries by making fun of her – but her boundary setting is not effective. He doesn’t really get the message, he only feels wronged by her silent aggression.

As this topic is never truly handled, they slowly grow apart.

Simon and Luiza

They are both smart, connected, successful people.

They bonded over business talk in their beginnings but that has changed in time. Nowadays, when Luiza shares about her struggles at work, she’d like only to be listened to and empathised with. But Simon is always quick with an advice. She doesn’t say anything, but she feels irritated.

Funnily enough, when he shares about his own trouble in business, she is also quick with an advice. He pushes her back, ironically calling her “boss” but this only makes her even more angry – “so he can give advice but I can’t?!”.

Neither is happy with the situation and the discontent is rapidly showing up in their sex life (which becomes less and less) but they can’t figure out the way to solve it.

They are both invading each other with advice which has not be asked for (and of course, as they look at each other’s behaviour, they feel justified to continue like that). But neither is setting a clear boundary: she doesn’t say anything, while he is still attacking her.

So what are boundaries?

I like to explain this by inviting people to imagine they are a country. The country of “you” includes:

*Your body.

*Your peace of mind (or thoughts).

*Your feelings.

*Your behaviour in life.

*Your time and energy.

The country of “me” includes my body, my peace of mind, my feelings etc.

When we come together in a relationship, ideally we don’t cross each other’s borders. For example, our bodies can come together but not more than it is comfortable for both of us. Or we can share thoughts but not if that starts affecting negatively one of us (like for example when one is complaining excessively or he is criticising us).

I said “ideally” because that is almost never the case. When we come together, we will cross each other’s boundaries. And then it is the responsibility of the one who’s been “invaded” to say ‘stop’ or ‘hey, this doesn’t work for me’. That is boundary setting.

Situations of boundaries being crossed in a relationship

In the situations before, Angela is invading Nicholas as she makes changes to his lifestyle (or behaviour) without asking him for permission.

Victor is crossing Marianne’s boundaries by making fun of her and affecting her peace of mind. This is valid also when we are talked to in an ironic, sarcastic, putting-down way.

When we are given advice or help that we have not asked for, we have again our boundaries crossed. And let’s be honest, so many of us feel we have this right once we are in a relationship, or even that it is expected from us (otherwise we’re not good partners, right?). But this is invading the other’s mind-space or feeling-space.

I also know couples who, once they are officially together, they feel they have the right to call each other names or raise the voice. Unfortunately, that is another form of invasion.

It is also a boundary crossing when our time is disposed of without being consulted – like when our partner is deciding we (as a couple) are going to meet the neighbours… or he/she makes us wait regularly or changes plans in the last minute regularly.

Our body can be easily invaded in a relationship if we don’t have good boundaries… For example, we would like to cuddle, but our partner is pushing for sex. Or we are hugged or kissed when actually we don’t want to. Or we are made love to in a way that is not ok for us.

When we make agreements and they are not followed through by one, that is an invasion – because we invest time and energy in those agreements, which then get wasted.

One subtle way of being invaded is when our partner is playing a game on us – like that of the victim, for example, or that of the therapist, or any kind of influencing/manipulating into a certain action.

Another subtle invasion is when we are treated unequally – we are talked to as if we are the child or as if we are the parent.

And finally, one quite obvious boundary crossing is when we already said ‘no’ to something and it is ignored or even mocked or otherwise put down.

No boundaries vs. messy boundaries in a relationship

When I first read a similar list, I was surprised by some of the instances. It had never occurred to me that me saying “no” in those situations would be appropriate. Like for example when somebody raised the voice – I used to think “but if I did something wrong, then that is normal”. It had never occurred to me that people can express their discontent without raising the voice.

That is where I had no boundary. In situations like that, in the past, I might have felt uneasy or even irritated, but I would have never said anything about it.

On the other hand, there were other situations where I was sure some action was needed but I was ineffective. I would usually either retreat in a hostile silence OR I would attack my partner with hurtful words. That is where I had messy boundaries.

Most of us are like this. We swing between the two, but we have an inclination to one.

When we tilt towards not having boundaries, we soon start to suffer from not feeling loved and having the sensation of being left alone in the relationship. Some of it might be a projection, but there is also some truth in it: without boundaries, the other tends to not respect us and, without respect, love is not really possible.

When we tilt towards messy boundaries on the other hand, we soon bring conflict and drama in our relationship through our attacks or withdrawals. That is also a way of pushing the love out of our relationships.

Luckily, there are also loving boundaries…

Loving boundaries in a relationship

There is a way to say ‘no’ which is clear, yet not blaming. Firm, but compassionate at the same time. I call that “loving boundaries”.

I don’t know many people who do that naturally. And actually none who does that all the time.

We all have some learning to do in this regard.

Loving boundaries is all about understanding that we are entitled at taking care of ourselves in a relationship and, at the same time, that saying ‘no’ to our partner’s behaviour is not at all saying ‘I don’t love you anymore’ or ‘there’s something wrong with you’. We are only helping them treat us well, while keeping the doors of love and connection wide open.

It is also about dissolving the charge which we many times feel when we see that an invasion is taking place. We might get angry or even hateful at the other. That is not the moment to set a boundary. It’s far better for our relationship (and much for effective for our boundary setting) to do what we can to melt that anger.

In essence it’s about realising that the other person is not acting with bad intentions. They just don’t know us enough, or they are not sensitive to our needs in that particular moment. We ourselves have that kind of moments, right? We ourselves have moments when we invade… It’s good to remember these things when we decide to set our boundaries.

There’s more to say about how to come to “loving boundaries” (and I have created a webinar about that) but for now here are some examples which could make it more concrete:

“Honey, I’d like to know what was in my behaviour that upset you, but I cannot accept you raising the voice. Please, can you say it differently?”

“I can see you want me to do well, but I am not looking for an advice. It is actually painful for me to receive an advice now... what I need is just to be heard, can you do that for me?”

“I can see that you are upset with me, but calling me names is not okay with me. If you can change that, we can continue the conversation, otherwise, I’m going to need a break here.”

“Yes, I’d like some intimacy, but I don’t feel so sexual tonight. I’d rather cuddle. Would this work for you?”

“You know, it doesn’t work for me when you decide things for me without consulting me. It is my body (my time, my energy) and I’d like to have control over them. Next time, please talk to me before taking a decision which involves me.”

And so on and so forth…

I hope you got an idea of how different things can be when we can always say ‘no’ when we mean ‘no’.

Compromise is not part of the story, as many of us were taught. But rough intransigence in sticking to our truth is neither. Loving boundaries are a way to stay true to ourselves in our relationships, while keeping our hearts open to connection, to love, to intimacy.

With love,

Radha