How We Push Love Away (Unintentionally)
This talk is about a Conscious Relating approach to the frequent situation where our relationships turn from “honeymoons” to “bittermoons”. It offers an explanation of:
* why this shift happens in almost all relationships;
* why are these moments golden opportunities to grow as a person;
* what we can do to return to beautiful relating and actually deepen the connection.
What Is Conscious Relating
A talk on:
1) what is unconscious in our relating,
2) how is this creating messes in our life ( conflict, neglect, isolation),
3) what it takes to switch to conscious relating, which creates the space for connection, intimacy and harmony,
4) how is this helping us grow as persons.
“Lonely Together”
Many, many years ago, when I was out in a club with my boyfriend of back then and with friends, a song started and the lyrics “Where Is The Love?” were coming in a loop.
I remember my heart sank and I suddenly realised that that had been my question for some time.
Dating under The Influence of Our Abandonment Wound
[…] something that is at work but more hidden is this: while we long for connection, at the same time we have a strong expectation NOT to get it, to be disappointed (the way we were disappointed as children and afterwards a few times as adults). We use each disappointment to cement our deep belief that nourishing connection is not in store for us. And then we move on to the next relationship and… you know how it goes with self-fulfilling prophecies.
When We Are “The Ones Who Love More”
… deep inside I am also one who always believed that deep connection, love, intimacy, vibrancy are possible, so one question kept burning inside me:
“how can you love, truly love, and still be loved?” ...
And eventually, the truth found me. Since then it became more and more clear that this is a big key to true, deeply connected, deeply intimate relationship.
So I’d love to share it with you...
I Couldn’t Set Boundaries Because…
“Now, I will stop pleasing people and I will learn to have boundaries – saying “no” when things are uncomfortable or not what I wanted.”
I wish I could say this moment was a game changer for me. Wouldn’t that make for a wonderful story?!
But it wasn’t like this.
It is one thing to know that you need boundaries and a totally another thing to actually bring them home.
Boundaries in A Relationship - what they are and why they matter
I count boundaries as one of the three keys to wonderful relationships ( along with knowing how to deal with our inner critic and growing our capacity for aloneness - I know, what a paradox…).
When we have boundaries, love flows more easily, there is respect and there is attraction.
When we don’t have them or we are a bit messy about them, conflict, neglect, sexlessness, boredom often arise.
Equality - the Big Turn On
What I am starting to see more and more clearly is how much the physical intimacy is connected with the roles we play in a couple, most of the time unconsciously.
I know it's not the easiest thing to contemplate, but is it really a surprise for you to hear that sometimes we play Parent and Child, Teacher and Student, Manager and Employee, Caretaker and Victim?
Expressing Needs - Our Superpower in Relationships
When it comes to creating a vibrant relationship, expressing needs is THE skill to have.
So I am happy to see it repeated again and again.
However I also notice that, while “you should express your needs” is often listed as a bullet point in any relationship-related advice, there isn’t much support given about how to do it.