I Couldn’t Set Boundaries Because…

It was a big “aha” moment when I realised that I was suffering in my relationships because of a tendency to please people.

I thought that by me being always there for them and letting the uncomfortable go unnoticed, I was easing the connection.

But instead, it made them doubt that I respected myself and that made it difficult for them to respect me.

It was painful to see that that was in big part the reason why the men I was dating were quickly becoming undecided about me. Also why in my longer relationships, I was being left hanging all alone towards the end.

But, you know, I eventually embraced the pain of the realisation and focused on the “now”.

Now, I will stop pleasing people and I will learn to have boundaries – saying “no” when things are uncomfortable or not what I wanted.

I wish I could say this moment was a game changer for me. Wouldn’t that make for a wonderful story?!

But it wasn’t like this.

It is one thing to know that you need boundaries and a totally another thing to actually bring them home.

And mind you, I did my homework. I listened to my coach and I understood that it was ok to call out a man on being wishy-washy about our dates or on talking too much about his ex.

I read books and I got it that a boyfriend is not necessarily entitled to tell me what to wear or how to eat my eggs in the morning, how I should think about life or that I should’t feel sad.

I was also quickly learning non-violent communication so that I could easily find the words to speak when I didn’t want something.

Still, still…

Things were not going fantastically.

I could feel that, no matter how well prepared I was, my boundaries were coming across as weak, apologetic. Other times, they were coming across as harsh, hostile.

People were either ignoring me or getting angry with me.

But this was not all. The most difficult part for me to see was that, many times, I was still not saying ”no”, still compromising. Something was strongly holding me back.

There were still 2 more Aha’s I had to have before I managed to break through.

The first one was that there was something in my energy that, no matter my words or whether they came out or not, my “no” was half-cooked. My head knew that it was the right thing to do, but in my bones I was still feeling “do I really have the right to say this? Am I not being too much? (too selfish, too sensitive, too demanding)”.

The second thing was about where was all this energy coming from – this hesitance, this not feeling I had the right for my time to be considered, for my feelings and thoughts to be respected, for my body to be treated gently, for me to have space.

It had to do with how I grew up.

As the child of a pretty traditional family (no “parenting schools” back then, no self-development books), the proper upbringing had a lot to do with being told what to do, what not to do, what to think, how to feel; there was never the question that I could comment on when I wake up or when I go to bed, never a question on what my preferences were. There was not much space for me being me, having space for myself or even having ideas of my own.

I grew up respecting these rules because I was afraid otherwise I’d lose my parents’ love. But also because, sensitive as I was (as all children are), I could feel that me being me (with my own tastes, or full of energy, full of feelings, full of ideas) would make my parents (or at least one of them) feel unhappy, sad, depressed, or even ashamed.

This is not a sob story. I am not sharing this because I am trying to earn your sympathy.

I am sharing it because I know that many of us (all over the world) had similar stories.

A few had it better, a few had it worse (with stories of abuse, physical or verbal aggression, emotional blackmail).

But to some degree, as children, we all experienced invasion, suppression.

As a child, you get your body, mind, heart, space, energy boundaries crossed many times during a day.

And this is the normal.

So coming back to us, as adults, we have it imprinted in our body and psyche that if we are in a relationship with someone, they have the right to be late on us, to give us advice, to tell us to be happy when we obviously feel sad, to demand that we’re always together, to raise their voice to us when they don’t like something we do, etc.

It’s difficult to bring ourselves to a place of feeling “wait a second, this is not okay, it feels uncomfortable and it needs to stop. I actually deserve it to have it stop.”

And now, coming back to my own story…

Look, I’m not going to pretend it was easy to start seeing how much I was not allowed to be me, to respect my needs, my tastes, my feelings. Actually it was uncomfortable as hell. ‘Cause it came head to head with me knowing that my parents loved me and they wanted the best for me.

But slowly, I was able to also see that sometimes their choices were not the best for me and that that little girl, angry and pained from what happened, was still inside.

Invasion situation by invasion situation in my present relationships, I had to go back to this little girl and acknowledge that she was invaded back in the childhood in similar ways too.

I had to allow her the space to be angry for what happened, and sad… To grieve for all those moments when she had to give up who she was in order to be loved.

That and only that was what in time changed my energy. Made me feel deep in my heart and in my bones – I deserve to be respected – people can’t book my time without telling me, can’t raise their voice on me, can’t expect that I do more that my fair share if we live in the same house, can’t ask me to compromise on what my body is comfortable with in intimacy… and so on.

Then and only then, my words were not just words anymore. They stopped sounding afraid or apologetic or compromising. Or angry. They started carrying a different energy, calm but firm.

I am in no saying that this journey is over or that I have “arrived” somewhere. Every now and then I am still challenged to discover a deeper sense of self-respect in new situation I have to face in my relationships.

But the trust that I can do it and that I know the process I need to go through changes everything.

With love,

Radha