How We Push Love Away (Unintentionally)
This talk is about a Conscious Relating approach to the frequent situation where our relationships turn from “honeymoons” to “bittermoons”. It offers an explanation of:
* why this shift happens in almost all relationships;
* why are these moments golden opportunities to grow as a person;
* what we can do to return to beautiful relating and actually deepen the connection.
What Is Conscious Relating
A talk on:
1) what is unconscious in our relating,
2) how is this creating messes in our life ( conflict, neglect, isolation),
3) what it takes to switch to conscious relating, which creates the space for connection, intimacy and harmony,
4) how is this helping us grow as persons.
“Lonely Together”
Many, many years ago, when I was out in a club with my boyfriend of back then and with friends, a song started and the lyrics “Where Is The Love?” were coming in a loop.
I remember my heart sank and I suddenly realised that that had been my question for some time.
Dating under The Influence of Our Abandonment Wound
[…] something that is at work but more hidden is this: while we long for connection, at the same time we have a strong expectation NOT to get it, to be disappointed (the way we were disappointed as children and afterwards a few times as adults). We use each disappointment to cement our deep belief that nourishing connection is not in store for us. And then we move on to the next relationship and… you know how it goes with self-fulfilling prophecies.
When We Are “The Ones Who Love More”
… deep inside I am also one who always believed that deep connection, love, intimacy, vibrancy are possible, so one question kept burning inside me:
“how can you love, truly love, and still be loved?” ...
And eventually, the truth found me. Since then it became more and more clear that this is a big key to true, deeply connected, deeply intimate relationship.
So I’d love to share it with you...
I Couldn’t Set Boundaries Because…
“Now, I will stop pleasing people and I will learn to have boundaries – saying “no” when things are uncomfortable or not what I wanted.”
I wish I could say this moment was a game changer for me. Wouldn’t that make for a wonderful story?!
But it wasn’t like this.
It is one thing to know that you need boundaries and a totally another thing to actually bring them home.
Boundaries in A Relationship - what they are and why they matter
I count boundaries as one of the three keys to wonderful relationships ( along with knowing how to deal with our inner critic and growing our capacity for aloneness - I know, what a paradox…).
When we have boundaries, love flows more easily, there is respect and there is attraction.
When we don’t have them or we are a bit messy about them, conflict, neglect, sexlessness, boredom often arise.
Boundaries in Dating - what they are and why they matter
When the man I was seeing many years ago was setting a tentative date (“maybe we see each other this weekend”), was afterwards not firming it up and then later was showing up with a short notice proposal - “how about dinner in 1 h?”, I was going.
Some would say… when you love a lot, things like this happen.
Me looking back, with all I know today, I can see this: I didn’t have boundaries.
On Finding "The One" (and a little story of what could be better than that)
I grew up with stories like Cinderella and Snow White...And later in life, another kind of fairytales found me - the kind produced by Hollywood.
There was always a “the One”: Harry had his Sally, Kelly had her Dylan and of course Carrie Bradshaw had Mr. Big.
Why Some Relationships Never Happen
If we pay close attention, we notice that, while in the beginning we’re both more or less equally interested in being together, at some point one begins to drift away. At the same time, the other becomes even more invested in being together, in getting closer.
Making Sense of a Break-Up
“How was this possible? (coming from love, ending up here?)”. “And is there something I can do to avoid this from happening again?”.” Is there something for me to learn here?”
This is the part I’d like to speak to today.
This part, this voice subtly hammered inside me every time I was heartbroken.
Equality - the Big Turn On
What I am starting to see more and more clearly is how much the physical intimacy is connected with the roles we play in a couple, most of the time unconsciously.
I know it's not the easiest thing to contemplate, but is it really a surprise for you to hear that sometimes we play Parent and Child, Teacher and Student, Manager and Employee, Caretaker and Victim?
Expressing Needs - Our Superpower in Relationships
When it comes to creating a vibrant relationship, expressing needs is THE skill to have.
So I am happy to see it repeated again and again.
However I also notice that, while “you should express your needs” is often listed as a bullet point in any relationship-related advice, there isn’t much support given about how to do it.
The Self-Love in "If We Don't Love Ourselves, Nobody Will"
Every now and then, I meet people who ask me to help them love themselves or love themselves more.
What they really want is a beautiful relationship, but they’ve come to see that they cannot have that unless they love themselves.
I cheer for them inside because I know, from my own experience, what a turnaround point that can be.