Equality - the Big Turn On
Is it a surprise for anybody that sex starts way before we reach the bedroom?
Most probably right after the previous physical encounter.
Each loving touch, each vulnerability revealed, each heartfelt “thank you”, each pillow fight or playful whink, each moment of making up... they are all preparing our hearts and our bodies for...yeah, good sex.
In time, I've grown to see and enjoy this and today I know that, if I am resistant to making love with the man in my life, it is probably because we have neglected all this emotional foreplay. And then I know I can do something about it, instead of dwelling in frustration.
But what I am starting to see more and more clearly is how much the physical intimacy is connected with the roles we play in a couple, most of the time unconsciously.
I know it's not the easiest thing to contemplate, but is it really a surprise for you to hear that sometimes we play Parent and Child, Teacher and Student, Manager and Employee, Caretaker and Victim?
As for me, I know them all first hand...I wish it was differently, but I've played them all. Sometimes, I still do.
What I hadn't realised (although it was right there, in my face) was that there is always a superior and an inferior in these roles. And even when we mostly play them outside of the bedroom, something of that inequality energy is carried into sex. And that just kills it. We cannot say what it is, but it's just that “meeh” feeling, an avoidance or a complacency in being roommates.
Does it have to be this way?
It doesn't. It may not be easy in the beginning but, in my experience, we can really slip out of these roles with every day we choose not to play them. Sometimes we can have an honest talk with our partner about it and agree that we both stop. Sometimes that may not be possible...It doesn't really matter, because most of the times, it is enough if one side drops their part of the dynamic.
As a “Superior”, it is enough to restrain ourselves from coming to the rescue of the other all the time, from taking on responsibilites that belong to the other, from giving advice even when not asked for, from correcting and fixing the other.
When we slip out of this coat, we bring warmth, understanding and vulnerability in the relationship. And that, in turn, melts bodies in the bedroom, makes hearts open in ways that were not possible before, makes us truly merge and have glimpses of what it means to be ONE with the other.
As an “Inferior”, we can start supporting ourselves, stop complaining or looking around for help when we can actually do it for ourselves, tell the other we only need to receive help or advice when we ask for it and take more responsibility for the couple where there is an imbalance.
When we step up to the plate like this, we recover a sense of our power. Not over the other, but within our life. We feel possibilities, instead of barriers, we start to fly, instead of drag ourselves. In bedroom, this energy simply storms in, like fresh air. It brings passion, aliveness, that kind of “good tension” which we see in tango dancers. We bring juice to our intimate life.
In the end, equality may not be the only ingredient for great intimacy. But, after years of playing the “Inequality” game, I can see that when we relax into being neither more, nor less than our partner, we reignite our sex life and make it feel vibrant and juicy, as we all want it.
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Photo by Євгеній Симоненко from Pexels