Making Sense of a Break-Up

I’d say break ups are some of the hardest times in our life.

Having had my share of them, I know intimately the hurt, the helplessness, the rage, the maddening mix of hope and despair that heartbreak brings.

It’s not what I am going to cover today, but I do want to say that, if you’re going through something like this now, I hope you’re taking good care of you.

Slowing down, taking care of your body as much as we can, reading nourishing books, maybe reaching out to a loving friend or a compassionate therapist. And not the least, allowing yourselves to break down, feeling miserable, without judging yourself.

I hope you’re giving yourself all the support you need. A break-up is not an easy thing…

What I would like to cover though is that for many of us, underneath all these feelings, there is also a part which yearns to understand.

“How was this possible? (coming from love, ending up here?)”. “And is there something I can do to avoid this from happening again?”.” Is there something for me to learn here?”

This is the part I’d like to speak to today.

This part, this voice subtly hammered inside me every time I was heartbroken.

I just wanted to make sense of it all. I wanted to give all the suffering a meaning and I wanted to step into the future without the nagging feeling that maybe I’m doing something which is not helping my relationships.

I was fortunate enough to come across three questions I’ve learned about from Krishnananda and Amana Trobe. These questions are an inventory we can make at the end of a relationship, which can help us immensely in the recovery.

I will not hide it. To take this inventory, we need courage. And honesty. And, more than anything, an opening to the idea that we may have contributed to the evolution of events.

In my experience, any relationship dynamic is co-created and not only that we don’t control the other’s share (so knowing ours is all we have) but actually, really owning our share, we can immensely inspire the other and together move towards true love and intimacy.

So what do you say? Should we dive in?

Well, here we go…

Question no.1: In this relationship, did I feel as an equal, superior or inferior?

In the beginning, the question might sound puzzling. After all, we were two adults having a relationship, right?

But if we let the question sink for a bit, another reality may be revealed.

When working with a man after his recent break-up, he slowly, slowly started to unravel the story of their relationship.

In the beginning he was very attracted by the wisdom of this woman who soon became his girlfriend. She seemed more self-confident and calm than other women. Slowly, he started going to her for life advice and, in time, she started giving it to him even without being asked.

Over a few months, their relationship turned into a teacher-student situation rather than lover to lover.

Towards the end of their time together, he was feeling controlled and she was feeling like their love was missing the spark.

In my life, I several times found myself turning from a caring girlfriend into one who takes care of everything.

A situation of mother-child then set in and that’s when love disappeared.

Unfortunately, these changes are quite subtle, so it’s easy to be oblivious of them. It happens to almost all of us.

But the silver lining of a break-up is that it can light them up like crazy and make them clear.

If we take time to look into the dynamic that went on, we’re much less likely to repeat it in the future.

Question no. 2: Have I lost myself in this relationship? And if yes, in which ways?

Aaargh, I know it’s an uncomfortable question.

But it’s so worth asking...

“Have I made my hobbies, my interests less of a priority?”

“Have I postponed (or even cancelled) studies I wanted to make just to be in this relationship?”

“Have I slowly lost track of my friends?”

“Have I changed the way I dress, eat or talk to fit my lover’s expectations?”

“Have I edited my preferences?”

“Have I gone along with my partner’s ideas that I even forgot about mine?”

In my most agonising relationships (about 2-3 in my life), I did all of this and more…

I stayed up very late or out in the cold because it was the only time or place I could be with that person.

I lost a lot of weight I didn’t need to, just to fit his beauty standards.

I even pretended to feel turned on when I wasn’t…

Sometimes, we lose sight of the light in us. Of our beauty. Of our gifts. Of how delicious we are when we are just being ourselves.

Not so rare, I give you that. It happens to so many of us… But it’s important to know that, when that happens, we start depending on the light of the other.

We expect him or her to bring all the connection, the fun, the adventure, even the meaning of our life (sometimes people tell me they feel the will die without the other).

We feel worse and worse about ourselves and we put immense pressure on our lover. Many times he feels this as a burden and starts taking distance. Eventually he disappears.

If our inventory brings us to the conclusion that we did lose ourselves in the relationship and we consider the implications of that in our love story, then we’re far better prepared for the closeness in the future than we were before.

The journey I usually take people on from here is rediscovering their self-worth, the juicyness of their own person, their talents, their qualities. And a good companion to this is learning about the “inner judge” (a voice we all have, but some have it stronger) and learning to silence it.

It all starts with recognising the pattern.

Question no. 3: Were there ways in which I haven’t stood up for myself in this relationship?

Have I stood up for myself?

Or have I accepted things I didn’t want because I was taught this is what a good partner does?

I know this question can sound quite vague or confusing, so I want to make it clear…

When I don’t say “no” to going to places I don’t like or meeting people I don’t really want to just to be a good boyfriend, then I’m not standing up for myself…

The same when I accept a not so fair share of tasks in the house even if it constantly irritates me…

Or when I make love although I don’t really want to…

Or I am ok with the other deciding for me, speaking for me or thinking for me…

Or I accept being told how I should feel (or not feel)

Or I accept advice although I haven’t asked for it…

Or I allow being talked to in judgments, criticism, irony, blaming or shaming.

We do it because so many of us learned that love requires compromise, that that’s what a “good girlfriend” or “a good husband” does.

But let’s take a look at what this is doing.

* We build up resentment and then, when our partner least expect it, we explode, harming the relationship far more strongly if we said “no” in the beginning.

* Or we avoid the relationship altogether and we deny ourselves the need for intimacy.

I would say this is where the people who initiate a break usually make a tick in this inventory.

Many times people take a distance from the other simply because they don’t know how else to manage being “curbed” by their partner.

The answer is simple, but not so easy. Once we recognise this is something we do in our relationships, then the road to walk is learning to say “no”. Boundary setting (and I would say “loving boundary setting”) is a precious skill we all need to learn if we want intimacy.

It’s difficult, because we’ll have to face our fear of being rejected once we say “no” to our lover but once we get the hang of it, then we bring dignity and truthfulness in all our relationships.

***

Maybe the toughest lesson we learn from a break-up is that love is not enough. Romantic movies and fairytales tell us it should, but in real life things are different. Understanding and skills are needed to keep the love flow going and the intimacy deepening.

The beautiful thing about break-ups though is that they also give us the insight to get this understanding and the motivation to learn these skills and finally get the love that we want.

When we see it like this, we might start opening to the otherwise crazy idea that break-up don’t necessarily happen to us, but might actually happen for us.