Why Some Relationships Never Happen

Some relationships flow...

We meet, we like each other, we spend some time together, we realise we really like each other, we spend some more time together, sex comes in the picture, we meet each other’s friends, maybe we move in together, and then we just go on, our worlds continuing to merge and interwine.

Or something like that…

Sure the order might be different, but you know what I mean... when relationships are “happening”, there is a sense of growing intimacy, of allowing each other in more and more. 

However, sometimes it’s not like that.

Sometimes we get stuck on the way. There is attraction in the beginning, yes, but then something happens. 

Maybe we never really start, getting stuck in a sort of eternal flirting but with no moving forward.

Or everything stops after sex…

Maybe we get caught up in an on-again-off-again dynamic.

Or one of us just starts dragging on when it comes to seeing each other.

Maybe one simply disappears at some point, with no explanation, not rarely after intense intimacy.

Or there is a constant “pulling back” because ex-girlfriends or boyfriends keep coming in the picture.

If we imagine moving from dating to a relationship as changing gears, then this is about getting stuck in the first gear with no idea of what’s going on under the hood. 

The question is: “What is happening when there is initial attraction but then the relationship doesn’t happen?”

If we pay close attention, we notice that, while in the beginning we’re both more or less equally interested in being together, at some point one begins to drift away. At the same time, the other becomes even more invested in being together, in getting closer. 

So while one is moving “towards”, the other one is moving “away”. 

We usually deal with the situation inside of us thinking :”he doesn’t love me” or “she doesn’t seem to be the one”.

A lot of misunderstanding usually follows and more “running from” and “running into” is happening with quite some pain on one or both sides.

But what if it’s NOT about love or being right for each other? 

What if something else comes into play?
 

Two sides of looking at closeness and intimacy
 

You might have heard about “dependents” and “anti-dependents” in the context of relationships, or “ambivalent” and “avoidant”...

The idea is that most relationship experts agree on that, when it comes to love and intimacy, we tend to fall in two pretty different categories: the ones who cherish, love and thrive in connection AND the ones for whom, while connection is something they value, keeping their freedom and being their own individual is something they value more, to the point that they would sacrifice the connection. 

I like the names I once heard from Krishnananda and Amana Trobe (Learning Love Institute): “connection lovers” and “freedom lovers”. 

They really match my own experience with relationships (and I had quite a share of stuck ones). It is also this understanding which eventually helped me transform the way I approach love and relationships, to know how to navigate the stuckness and move into flowing connection and intimacy. 

So what is this all about?

The “Connection Lovers”
 

This is going to be easy, because I am one. 

But also many people out there are connection lovers. So if you recognise yourself in the description, know that you are in good company. 

We loooove to connect. When we get together with a partner, we like to spend time together, to do things together, to share intimately and chat about everything and anything, we like to be close, touch, cuddle, share intimate memories and intimate sex. 

Being heard, felt, understood by the other is very important to us. 

With little exceptions, we’d like to be connected all the time. 

Our biggest fear is of getting disconnected. It’s very difficult (actually painful) when the other takes some distance. We pretty often panic in these moments and have a tendency to do all we can to reestablish the connection. If the distance is physical, we reach out – calling, texting, sometimes inventing pretexts to be together. If the distance is emotional, we might start talking a mile a minute or unconsciously create trouble in our life (like getting sick) so that we get back the attention. 

I remember I totally panicked when one particular new, wonderful date said to me “I’m sorry, I can’t meet today because I have a situation at work, and I need to do extra hours”.

Without the connection, we feel something is terribly wrong (it can almost feel like not being able to breathe). 

Unfortunately, on the other side, this feels pretty much like being chased, engulfed, suffocated. 

Which brings us to…

The “Freedom Lovers”
 

Freedom lovers are also looking for connection (otherwise we wouldn’t get together, would we?) but there is a stronger need which drives them: the need for freedom, for independence, for living life on their own terms. 

For them, while being in a relationship can feel nice, it is also perceived as quite a threat to their individuality. 

In other words, “if I really get close to someone, I will lose my right to my time, my taste, my choices, maybe even to my feelings and my thoughts”. 

The way they approach relationships is rather tentative, very cautious. For their partner it can feel like they are all the time with one foot out. 

Many times, a freedom lover comes with ambiguous words in the interaction (to make sure sure they don’t bind him/her), a constant unavailability and a big sensitivity to any signs that the closeness grows too fast.

Knowing this, I guess you can imagine how a connection lover can make all freedom lover’s alarm bells go off.

And this is how, although there is attraction, we get engaged in that “running into” and “running from” dynamic which creates the stuckness that keeps the relationship in a low gear. 

Usually things end up with the freedom lover eventually running away (and sometimes into another relationship – which is as short-lived) or with the connection lover getting fed up by all the dragging on and postponement, sometimes years into the story. 

But it doesn’t have to be like this…

There is something we can do about it
 

We might arrive in our adulthood being more driven by our need for connection or by our need for freedom/individuality. 

But the truth is we all need both. We need to feel close to another, merge, melt with him or her. But we also need to be our own person, not lose who we are at our core, not lose ourselves in another. 

A relationship simply flows when we are capable of both. 

So the stuckness can be frustrating yes. 

But it can also be very growthful, if we bring awareness into what is happening.

The Connection lover can work on being more capable to tolerate the disconnect, the moments when the other takes some distance. As we do that, we start appreciating our individuality more, start feeling our enough-ness, start enjoying our aloneness, start having our happiness depend less on somebody else. 

As a bonus, the other will start to relax and feel that the forming relationship is not as engulfing, as suffocating as they originally thought. That, in my experience, is actually something which moves them towards intimacy (‘cause remember? They also want it). 

The Freedom lover can also grow by learning to tolerate more being “in” the connection. That doesn’t mean spending time together when they don’t want to, but not running away (you know, finding excuses to be on their own, disappearing or jumping from one relationship to another). 

A Freedom lover can learn to speak their truth instead. For example instead of “Look, we can’t get together today because I have a lot of work” (when that is not true), they gather the courage to express what is closer to the reality, which could be “Look, I feel this is moving too fast for me and I need some time on my own”. And then come back to the relationship when they feel again ready.

This way, Freedom lovers learn that being together doesn’t mean having to yield to another’s requests. They can keep their individuality AND be in a relating situation at the same time. 

***

I am not minimising the effort it takes to make these growthful moves (tolerating more the distance, for the connection lover, and tolerating more the connection, for the freedom lover).

However putting our intention there is a great first step and can take us a long way. 

With love, 

Radha